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The childless woman

Why I choose to be childless… 

 When I was 9 years old, I found out that my oldest brother was going to be having a baby. He was still a teenager at the time and I didn’t really understand the implications of this. I was just excited to welcome this new being into the world. When she finally got here, I was elated. She was the most beautiful baby girl I had ever seen. I don’t think I ever loved a person more than I loved my first niece from the very moment that I laid eyes on her. That bond only grew and grew as she and I both got older together. I began babysitting for her and our alone time forged the type of bond that can never be broken. I learned pretty much everything that I know about children from taking care of my niece. A couple years later, my second niece came. Caring for those two little girls was my greatest joy. 

I learned very early, because of the births of my nieces, exactly how maternal I was. My first real job was working at a daycare center as a teacher’s assistant. From there, I continued to work with children in professional settings from being a nanny to working with kids with mental illnesses in residential settings. I love working with and being around children. I am so happy when I am in the role of caring for kiddos.

I say all of this because I want to make it clear that my choice to be childless is not founded in ignorance of the joy that children can bring. Nor is the choice based on some lack of maternal genes. I love children, so much. But I’ve got shit to do. See, I want my life to look a certain way. I want this blog to flourish. I want to become a published author. I want to travel. I want to find my life partner. Yes, all of this can be done with a child. However, when I envision my life, a child simply is not a part of what I desire for myself. I also adore my freedom. I can get up at 11 at night and go to Target for no reason at all without thinking twice. I can move how I want. I can make choices about my life based solely on what I want. If I were to have kids, every choice would revolve around them and their needs. So, basically, I'm selfish. I cherish the ability to be selfish.

I’m also one of those people who believes that if you have children, it should be because it is your dream. Because you love the idea of having little ones of your own. Because it is something that you truly desire. I think for the people who are meant to have kids, the desire for it is something that they feel within themselves. Kind of how I feel about writing. I simply do not have that when it comes to having my own kids. None of that. I think babies are adorable and I will probably work with children professionally, but personally there is no pull to have my own. That is a major red flag for me. I try to live my life as passionately as possible so if something lacks luster, then I pay attention. 

Of course, there are fears that I have about having children. I fear passing on my illness. I fear passing on my trauma. I fear messing them up! Yet, my fears are only a part of my choice. More than anything, having children is something that I just don’t want to do. So I won’t. One day in the very far future, I see myself fostering or adopting one of the many many teens or preteens that need homes. Knowing how many kids are in the foster care system who need love is something that is always on my mind. But having my own is just not on the table right now. 

I’m writing this mostly for the women out there who don’t have or want to have children. I want to normalize and validate your experience. Your concerns around motherhood are valid and no one should try and convince you that you should do something you either aren’t sure you’re ready for or know that you do not want for yourself. It is ok. It IS possible to live a full and fulfilling life without bringing other beings into this world. You have your own aspirations, goals, hobbies, and interests to focus on. The fact that you don’t have or want children does not define you. You’re so much more than a womb to carry a child. And that’s the point of it all, isn’t it. We just want something else for ourselves. Something that doesn’t involve the prescribed motherhood that society places on us as women from birth. 

I also want to say that you reserve the right to change your mind at any moment, as do I. I read a quote on Pinterest once that said “I am not required to be the same person that I was five minutes ago”. This applies to you. You do not have to think the same, talk the same, or have the same ideas about life. We are evolving beings and we are ever changing. That is the beauty of life. Maybe you know now, at age 21, that you never want to have kids and you are absolutely positive. Or maybe you’re 35 and have come to that conclusion. All I’m saying is that you have ownership of your life and your body. You get to say what you do and don’t want, even if that changes from time to time.

I’d love to hear what you all have to say about this! Please leave a comment with any thoughts. Also, please subscribe and join us on Facebook at Hope this helps!

As always with love,
Alli B
Sonny B
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Alli B is the voice behind She is a self-defined weird (queer) black woman who is a survivor of mental illness and childhood sexual trauma. She is a lover of people and a lover of God. Alli’s mission in life is to empower and inspire those who have gone through or who are going through any type of darkness. Her loves are her family, books, writing, movies, and football (Go Broncos!). The boring stuff: Alli received her Bachelor’s degree in Human Development and Family Studies at Colorado State University in 2013. She is now working on her Master’s degree in Transpersonal Counseling Psychology and is expected to graduate in May of 2018. Alli's goal is to work with underserved populations of women and children through private practice. Her life goals include: running a successful blog, publishing her books, and becoming a successful therapist.

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