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I hated being fat

I hated being fat. From the moment I realized that I was, I hated it. I despised myself. I did everything I could to lose the weight. From the beloved Weight Watchers to plain old clean eating. NOTHING worked. I’d lose a pound here, a pound there, but nothing helped me lose the massive amount of weight that I needed to lose. I’m sure you’re dying to know how I let myself get so overweight- obese really.

 Let’s back track. It’s 2008, I am a freshman at Colorado State University, I have a 3.8 GPA, I have all the friends, I’m in a new relationship, and I’m smaller than I have ever been. I work out daily and it shows. Everything is going my way or seems to be. Yet, for some reason, I have a hard time getting out of bed. I’m so sad. I’m crying all the time and I’m angry. At my mom, at God, at the world. I have no idea what is going on so I go to the health center on campus. There, the psychiatrist puts me on an antidepressant. Fast forward to 2009 and probably 7 or 8 different antidepressants later and I’m still sad, but now I have this feeling of pinned up energy that I can’t escape. I’m grumpy all the time. I constantly fight with my boyfriend. My mind begins to race. Still, I’m so so so sad. There is a breaking point. Starting with class on Friday. I go to my morning class and can’t understand anything the professor is saying- that is how fast my mind is racing. I couldn’t understand so I left. I worked out 3 times that day. That night I spent the night at my boyfriends’ place and didn’t sleep. At all. I admitted for the first time out loud that I wanted to die. I didn’t sleep once that weekend. 

The following week I went to my psychiatrist and told him that I didn’t want to be alive anymore. Needless to say, that was the first time that I was hospitalized. In the hospital, they diagnosed me with bi-polar disorder and placed me on a new set of medication. They warned me that one of the meds, specifically, can cause drastic weight gain. I didn’t care. I just wanted to get better. 

Fast forward 6 months and 70 pounds later. I’m feeling better, but I am labeled by my doctor as obese. UGH. Fast forward to 5 years and many diets later and I am diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). I’d had issues with my cycle since childhood and had never been able to lose the weight that I gained on the medication I was initially placed on. SO, here we are in 2015 and I hit my highest weight and I knew that I had to do something. I saw a weight loss specialist and immediately ruled out pills. With my disorder, there was too big of a risk of the meds sending me into mania with them being stimulants. The doctor mentioned to me a surgery called Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy (VSG). Ok, that’s a lie. I knew someone who had gotten the surgery and asked the surgeon about it. Ha. I promise to never lie to ya’ll! He agreed that it would be a good option for me. So I started the process. 

Here we are a year later and almost 2 weeks post op and I couldn’t be more proud of myself and my decision. Yes, not being able to eat sucks. I’m on the full liquid phase of the post op diet and my tummy can pretty much only tolerate yogurt and popsicles. Still, I have to look at the bigger picture. I’m already down 28 pounds from my highest weight and this time next year, who knows where I could be (goal weight maybe?). I’m so proud because despite all the doubts and worries and ups and downs, I decided to do something good for myself. Something that I knew would be hard, but I decided to do it anyway. Because my health is important and I refuse to succumb to my circumstances. I wanted to bring this part of my journey to you all because I know that many of us who take meds deal with weight issues and I want you to know that you are not alone. I also want you to know that there is always a way out if you’re willing to make those decisions for yourself. I will keep all you lovely lunachicks up to date on how this journey is going for me! Don’t forget Share, subscribe, and follow us on Facebook at!

As always with love,
Alli B
Sonny B
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Alli B is the voice behind She is a self-defined weird (queer) black woman who is a survivor of mental illness and childhood sexual trauma. She is a lover of people and a lover of God. Alli’s mission in life is to empower and inspire those who have gone through or who are going through any type of darkness. Her loves are her family, books, writing, movies, and football (Go Broncos!). The boring stuff: Alli received her Bachelor’s degree in Human Development and Family Studies at Colorado State University in 2013. She is now working on her Master’s degree in Transpersonal Counseling Psychology and is expected to graduate in May of 2018. Alli's goal is to work with underserved populations of women and children through private practice. Her life goals include: running a successful blog, publishing her books, and becoming a successful therapist.

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